Unknown Heart

Not one of us knows our hearts. Our desperately wicked deceitful heart
All we know is what our heart chooses to reveal
Illusions of reality
Testing our irrefutable version of what's real
For the Christian woman
We perceive the aching in our being
The yearning during the testing
The throb of vaginal walls
And the sensation rushing through our blood stream as immediate need
We perceive these things as something necessary to our existence we can't see
making ourselves believe
That we can't hear..
can't see anything...
can't alone breathe
without another human running hands and other things in and out of our being
Our hearts constantly deceive
Making us believe that that we can never be independently free
Of the deceit dripping as water spout
Of the wickedness trickling out
Of the thoughts that we think
We have learned to believe that love is sex and sex is our earnest need
I must say it hurts me that my own heart would lie to me
Lacing it's lying tongue in sweet candy before deceiving you and deceiving me
Knowing we would hang on to every word
Because one man and woman took inheritance that did not belong to them to know the one thing forever unknown thereby handing them their curse
Because their heart deceived and they believed
Our hearts lack the purity to be the women God needs
We hand over a wickedly deceitful thing in our being
misunderstanding the honest plea our heart is making
Choosing the adventure we grab tight to rendezvous over Jesus any day of the week
And we show our plight...all the while fantasizing in our delight
With heart eluding to vision not really real
We are left standing after all has happened
With our heart of wicked deceit still knocking and asking
Us to believe the plea it's making
Again and again and again
Then the initial belief our heart has drained from our faith fades and now we perceive that from the beginning Jesus...is all we will ever need

Single in my past...single now

As I lay in bed on this beautiful spring night listening to the various sounds outside my window and reflecting, I thought your cliche phrase, " the things I used to do I don't do no more!" As you read, be prepared for a candid blog...things that "church folk" don't want to say and the "holy folk" don't want you to know. How many times did Jesus heal and deliver in the Word and told the healed...the delivered...to go their way in silence? Not to tell anyone? It happened numerous times and what did they do? They told! Not just one or two people, but they drew crowds! Multitudes! Who by the word of their testimony began to seek after the Healer...the Deliverer...so with that being said I must tell it! I lay here by myself in my bed scrolling through Facebook killing time when it occurred to me. I'm 26 and single. Single but delighting in The Lord. Thinking about the times I laid in this same bed crying and complaining to God about how bad I wanted a husband and how I felt lonely and how I was sick of sleeping Alone. I won't lie. Something in me wanted to complain, but I asked myself why? For what? The things I used to do I DON'T DO NO MORE! So time out for complaining...entertaining loneliness and telling God about my wants. Time out for showing God that I could delight myself through masturbating instead of delighting in Him. I'm a worshiper...a prayer warrior...I'm many things in the kingdom, but who would have ever guessed? Me a masturbator? Well Rahab the harlot? Who would have ever thought she would be mentioned in Hebrews 11? Among the great men of faith? I rejoice because I desire a husband among many things, but I choose to delight myself in God and trust Him to give me the desires of my heart as His word says. The world says I'm close to 30 and should be sleeping around, masturbating or just settle for the first male interested in me. God says just wait on Him, don't allow the flesh to win in its desires and to see the man He has in store when the time comes. I just thank God he has brought me to this point in my life where all I need is Him. My trust is in Him...my focus on Him.