Unknown Heart

Not one of us knows our hearts. Our desperately wicked deceitful heart
All we know is what our heart chooses to reveal
Illusions of reality
Testing our irrefutable version of what's real
For the Christian woman
We perceive the aching in our being
The yearning during the testing
The throb of vaginal walls
And the sensation rushing through our blood stream as immediate need
We perceive these things as something necessary to our existence we can't see
making ourselves believe
That we can't hear..
can't see anything...
can't alone breathe
without another human running hands and other things in and out of our being
Our hearts constantly deceive
Making us believe that that we can never be independently free
Of the deceit dripping as water spout
Of the wickedness trickling out
Of the thoughts that we think
We have learned to believe that love is sex and sex is our earnest need
I must say it hurts me that my own heart would lie to me
Lacing it's lying tongue in sweet candy before deceiving you and deceiving me
Knowing we would hang on to every word
Because one man and woman took inheritance that did not belong to them to know the one thing forever unknown thereby handing them their curse
Because their heart deceived and they believed
Our hearts lack the purity to be the women God needs
We hand over a wickedly deceitful thing in our being
misunderstanding the honest plea our heart is making
Choosing the adventure we grab tight to rendezvous over Jesus any day of the week
And we show our plight...all the while fantasizing in our delight
With heart eluding to vision not really real
We are left standing after all has happened
With our heart of wicked deceit still knocking and asking
Us to believe the plea it's making
Again and again and again
Then the initial belief our heart has drained from our faith fades and now we perceive that from the beginning Jesus...is all we will ever need

Single in my past...single now

As I lay in bed on this beautiful spring night listening to the various sounds outside my window and reflecting, I thought your cliche phrase, " the things I used to do I don't do no more!" As you read, be prepared for a candid blog...things that "church folk" don't want to say and the "holy folk" don't want you to know. How many times did Jesus heal and deliver in the Word and told the healed...the delivered...to go their way in silence? Not to tell anyone? It happened numerous times and what did they do? They told! Not just one or two people, but they drew crowds! Multitudes! Who by the word of their testimony began to seek after the Healer...the Deliverer...so with that being said I must tell it! I lay here by myself in my bed scrolling through Facebook killing time when it occurred to me. I'm 26 and single. Single but delighting in The Lord. Thinking about the times I laid in this same bed crying and complaining to God about how bad I wanted a husband and how I felt lonely and how I was sick of sleeping Alone. I won't lie. Something in me wanted to complain, but I asked myself why? For what? The things I used to do I DON'T DO NO MORE! So time out for complaining...entertaining loneliness and telling God about my wants. Time out for showing God that I could delight myself through masturbating instead of delighting in Him. I'm a worshiper...a prayer warrior...I'm many things in the kingdom, but who would have ever guessed? Me a masturbator? Well Rahab the harlot? Who would have ever thought she would be mentioned in Hebrews 11? Among the great men of faith? I rejoice because I desire a husband among many things, but I choose to delight myself in God and trust Him to give me the desires of my heart as His word says. The world says I'm close to 30 and should be sleeping around, masturbating or just settle for the first male interested in me. God says just wait on Him, don't allow the flesh to win in its desires and to see the man He has in store when the time comes. I just thank God he has brought me to this point in my life where all I need is Him. My trust is in Him...my focus on Him.

Reflections...

This year has really flown by. It seems as if the months passed at the blink of my eyes...winter turned into spring...spring into summer...summer into fall and now we return to winter. January 6th 2013 will mark one of the most monumental moments in my life. That day I woke up early with excitement and anticipation and I dressed for service at a new church over an hour away from my home. That day I was desperate for change, fighting for my freedom in my mind, freedom from attitudes, hurts and freedom from my current configuration. That morning I looked in the mirror not pleased with my reflection, but I had hope that something was going to change...turn around for my good and work out in my favor. 2012 was full of stress, wrestling with God, thoughts of suicide, a time where I forgot who I was in God, a year where I began to back slide and full of depression. I started by slowly checking out of ministry at church, it was no longer a joy to be there, but a chore. I was weary and was close to fainting spiritually.  It was a year full of natural blessings but spiritually I was was on a respirator, being fed through a feeding tube, malnourished and not breathing on my own. I looked on the outside how I felt on the inside. Like I was dying and losing the battle for my soul. However, I had a new house, had a good job, got a new one and had recently bought a new car. I looked like I had everything I could ever need but WRONG! I had nothing I needed. So that morning I was a visitor at Emmanuel Church for the first time and in my 17 years of being in church I've never felt what I felt there. Love, liberty and a place tailored just for me. I walked in that place a broken depressed person who on the outside had it all together. I had reached an all time high in my weight and my smile was pasted on, and there was hurt behind my eyes. The first lady hugged me and I broke and God used her to minister to the things I was facing. She knew me because she was sensitive to the Holy Ghost and God shared with her. I'll never forget that moment because it was the start of a new beginning for me. I had determined that I would start the new year off in a new church and I asked God to show me the place in a 2 week time frame. My first Sunday service of 2013 was spent with my now Emmanuel Church family and I never left. When I arrived I was full of sarcasm and even had a nasty attitude. I made up in my mind that I no longer wanted to be the person I arrived as and bit by bit God broke the things I asked Him to break. I had to lay on my face, become humble in his presence and allow him to operate on me spiritually. I was so desperate for change that I was willing to do anything. Give up anything. Do anything. So once I moved churches God asked the next thing. For me to sell my house and move closer to my new church home. It was a challenge, but he lead me by every step. I did not sell it until April and until then I drove to and from multiple times a week.  Sometimes I stayed in the area and drove over an hour to work on those days. I was desperate. I wanted new life. I needed the church family God put in place and so I stayed amongst them as much as I could. Being in my home was no longer comfortable and I would pack and cry. Pack and cry because I had tried to build a stable life for myself and God required that. He required the pieces I tried to put together to give me something whole. He had to know how bad I wanted what He had for me. In the midst of the process of packing He required me to give things away. Furniture that I would need in my new place and told me to not take money for them. He required this to again see how bad I wanted what He had for me. I have experienced a lot with God this year, He has taught me many things and I've grown by leaps and bounds. It seemed that as the seasons changed I changed too, but they were God seasons. The hardest thing for me this year was separating from my previous church family and facing rejection in some areas there too. I left the United Pentecostal Church International organization (UPCI). The only organization I had known for 17 years of my life. I thought I would live, marry, have children. raise children and die in the UPCI, but God had to show me that He was greater than the plan I had for myself. When I walked out of it I left behind many traditions and religious practices. The uncut hair, head coverings, no make up, no jewelry, no pants...I WILL NEVER tell anyone who practices these things that they are wrong or right, disrespect them or their belief. I can only speak for my revelation on it if asked. It took about all of 6 years for God to get through to me that for me and my life these things were not important and He revealed the depth of what had really been taught to me all these years.  When I walked away from these things it was met with great opposition and brick walls from some that I loved and respected. Because my outer appearance changed our relationship changed, but God prepared me for that too. Like many other things he required those people I kept trying to hold onto so I had to give them up too. I tried to hold on to those teachings, but the more I tried the more God taught me otherwise and required those teachings/traditions too. This year has been a trying one, but having been tried in the fire I've been purified and I know He has more work to do in me. I just had to reflect on this year because it has been one that will go down in history.